Saying "No"

As caregivers, we have great caring hearts and, at least for me, difficulty saying no to people who ask us for something. This can be from our family, friends or at work. Saying "no" is sometimes the best thing that you can do for yourself and for the other person. 

When I was caring for Mom, I got a phone call from my disabled friend for whom I have Power of Attorney and he wanted me to help save him from eviction. I was also having to care for my husband who was at our home. There was just no way that I could help him and although it broke my heart I had to say No. He ended up going into a shelter and from there into long term care which turned out to be the best for him. So never feel guilty for saying no - it can be good for you by lessening your stress and for the other person by having them solve the problem themselves or ending up in a better situation. 

Here are some helpful phrases for saying "No" that can help you feel less guilty and not leave the other person feeling disrespected.

Original Image: Julie Hanks

After the Caregiving is Over (It Ain't Over Yet)

Since my husband passed away, I've been going through some trials and tribulations. I've been having to look for work and in this economy this is really tough. Finding work in my field is tricky enough as is. I've also been having fun with the bank, worried about losing my home, having appliances break down around me, working as executrix for the husband  and trying to get onto welfare so I can survive until I get that elusive job.(This is why I've not been posting). Of course there is more going on but I'm doing all of this while I am still grieving. I will admit that I am starting to feel a bit better. Finally, I am able to keep a thought in my head longer that 5 minutes (not that I was any better before but it feels like it). My home is still a disaster area but now I have an idea of what a pile of papers has and what in it.

I just want to give you some of my opinions, in no particular order, as to how to help yourself after your loved one passes away (hopefully not for a long time).

1. If needed, you can always ask your pharmacy and your cable/phone/cell/satellite provider for copies of your past bills etc. on paper by snail mail. It may cost you some money on your next bill but then you have them, usually in order, and everything. Also always good for tax season.
2. Always ask for an expert opinion on anything you think is valuable. Also ask for more than one opinion. Shop around. The first price you're given may not be the best price you'd get. For example, I have an Inuit sculpture that weighs about 40 lb that my husband won as the first Canadian to win in the British TV game show Mastermind. I went to an auction house and they informed me that it could reach $700 CA at auction.(This is my first price) Now I'm not gonna sell, but just that one price tells me what it could be worth. If I ever decide to sell, I'm going to try to find a dealer who knows what it is truly worth and give me a decent price (I'm not going to sell).
3. Take time for your self. In my opinion this is the most important one. You have been caregiving for a while and after the caregiving is over you have to figure out who you are! You have been wrapped up in medications, nursing, etc., etc., etc..I talked to a lady who was the receptionist at my local welfare office and even one year later after her husband's death (which was sudden) she still has problems with "widow's brain"! You have been taking care of others and you're gonna feel lost (I know). Take the time you need, get help you need, be as tough as you are and pamper yourself! (a friend is taking me to the movies....I haven't been to the movies for almost 18 years!) Enjoy yourself and possibly find a group that understands and goes for coffee or whatever ( I'll admit that I haven't gone yet)  but an excellent site is meetup.com they have all sorts of meetings all around the world.
4. Help is out there. Whether it be family, friends, an accountant, lawyer, minister, chat group, website, family doctor or psychiatrist there is always someone to help. 
5. Try not to use alcohol too much. This may sound like a no-brainer but sometimes it feels good to get drunk after a death (I'm of Irish descent and like a good wake and also for me it's too easy). The problem is not so much that you are drinking, it's how it affects what and how you are doing. If you're drinking and can't get up in the morning, take a look at yourself and ask yourself why you drank that much the night before...I'd bet it's about the pain in your heart and that you wanted to forget and sleep because otherwise you couldn't.(been there, done that, doesn't work).
6. Ask, ask, ask. This is my second most important point.(mind you, it could be the most important also see number one) If you never ask you never know. Today I've been worried about my mortgage and condo fees. I called my mortgage broker and talked to the condo office and they were very accommodating. Once I get the money to pay them I have to let them know but, if I had not, then I could have been facing lot of trouble and extra fees of up to $300 CA. The trick is if you know a bill/automatic withdrawal/prepaid is coming up, give them a call and at least 1 business week beforehand (5 days, no weekends) to help you.

Hoped this helped,

Jerith

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Image Courtesy of: dan/ freedigitalphotos.net

Quick Tip

Complements of : Stewart Miles/freedigitalphotos.net

If you are anything like me you have a to do list about a mile long. To keep from freaking out, try to keep today's to do list down to about 5 things. By keeping today's list small, it is easier to do and you know that you are accomplishing something rather than feeling overwhelmed.

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Source: 364quotes.blogspot.com via Jerith on Pinterest

Are Family Caregivers Invisible? Caregivers and the Workforce

Sorry about this being a link-to-a-link but Are Family Caregivers Invisible?  is a great article link on being a caregiver in the workforce. 

Having been a caregiver to three people at one time at the same time, I had to choose to be an unpaid, unsupported caregiver instead of working (Just in remembering that time I feel like crying). I have even left many a job over time because of those duties, the stress making me ill and lack of understanding from my employers. Now, in trying to get back into the workforce again, I'm worried that no one will hire me because of my caregiving duties for my husband and my friend and my employment history. 

I'm a firm believer that corporate culture and the government needs to change to make it easier to be a caregiver particularly if you are precariously employed by not having enough hours to qualify for EI benefits, having contract work, self-employed , or are unemployed or on welfare/disability.

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Source: 2.bp.blogspot.com via Jerith on Pinterest

The Health Benefits Of Yoga (Infographic)

Yoga is a wonderful practice for anyone from moms and tots to stroke survivors  but it is really useful for caregivers. Recent studies are showing that yoga increases GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid) levels in the brain which promotes a decrease in depression and anxiety, reduces  levels and frequency of episodes if atrial fibrillation, improves quality of life, eases chronic pain and more.

Getting out to a yoga class can be difficult as a caregiver ( I know all too well ) but there are alternatives. Here in Toronto at 5 am there's a TV show on PBS Buffalo called Wai Lana Yoga that I record and do some of the poses in my living room when I get the chance. She's more for the advanced student but I modify the poses to what I can do. Check out different TV channels near you, there may be a show that you like and can do. You can also get yoga DVD's and books free from the library. If you're thinking that going to classes is going to be to expensive, some studios have a classes that are taught by a student teacher and are usually about half price or a karma class where the price if the class is lower and the money goes to a charity.

Try to add yoga to your day for your Body, Mind and Soul.

The Health Benefits Of Yoga

Actively Listening: A Powerful Art

Photo by Jerith Sykes

Getting frustrated and angry is a normal part of life. (Cliche, I know) But it is a good thing to remember. Both you and your loved one are going to get frustrated and angry because of your changing roles. You are learning to become a caregiver while they are learning to be a patient on top of everything else.  The trick is to find a way to get through the rough times. 

Meditation, deep breathing, prayer, counting or repeating a mantra  are simple things to do for yourself to keep balanced but are some of the hardest things to remember to do when you are seeing red. I find by taking 5 minutes to walk away and splash some water on my face it may be just enough to change my perspective and allow everyone to calm down. I then do my deep breathing and return to actively Listen to what is being said.

 Active listening is one of the hardest things I have ever learnt and am still learning how to do. To learn to actively listen requires determination and concentration. Active listening is, basically, rephrasing what you have heard the other person saying, in your own words, usually in the form of a question and not parroting that information back at them. You may have heard your doctor do this when you were presenting them with a problem.

 Active listening helps to clarify the situation, avoid conflict and misunderstandings. It also shows that you have heard and understood what is being said to you. By actively listening you are gaining information and a deeper understanding which will allow you to respond appropriately to the other person and for you both to find solutions.

 By truly listening the other person as you would like to be, almost as if you are in their shoes, you are better able to understand their perspective, even if you don't agree, and it allows you to both to consider feelings, alternatives and responses in a non judgmental way. A great article on active listening is http://www.go2itech.org/HTML/CM08/toolkit/links/print/Mentoring/Active_Listening.pdf by Kathleen Robinson. The article is from a medical perspective but is applicable to anyone.  

Practicing active listening takes patience and concentration by giving the other person your undivided attention to everything that is being said both verbally and non verbally. I sometimes view it as a form of meditation , of being in the NOW, of listening with our whole being - body, mind and heart. It is a powerful tool that can help you get through the rough times and open ways that were previously denied.

Stress, the "Bear" Necessities

Stress. You hear the word bandied about nowadays and it seems "full of thunder, signifying nothing" but what does it mean to you as a caregiver (or anyone else for that matter)? Stress is an integral part of being alive and is simply the  body's reaction to something that elicits the reaction "fight-or-flight" such as something that threatens you physically (bears) or mentally (lottery win). It can be either "good" like a lottery win or "bad" such as a divorce.

Back when humans were still in  paleolithic times (so the theory goes) stress was useful to protect us from lions and tigers and bears (oh, my) as well as other marauding tribes. Adrenaline began to pump from the adrenal glands, a small pyramid shaped organ sitting right above the kidneys, causing the heart to beat faster, blood to move to the largest muscles in the body so we can run away like the wind (or beat up that bear), you breathe faster (more oxygen for running) and thought processes sped up so you could react to the situation much more quickly (which way do I run? What can I use to beat up that bear?).  If the bear (or lion or tiger or tribe) continued to chase you more energy was needed for running so the body releases this needed energy by breaking down sugars and fats, fatigue sets in and all you could think of is running. By this time the bear has probably given up and you would quickly return to normal but that tribe would most likely still be chasing you. Fear (read stress) would further deplete your energy, you'd experience confused thoughts, have insomnia, be unable to eat, thus not giving your body the energy it needs, and, as the novelists say, "they ran him into the ground" and "he died of fear". 

Nowadays, in the Western world, you're not as likely to come across lions or tigers or bears (oh my) or marauding tribes and the fight-or -flight response is considered (by some) a holdover from those paleolithic days. In today's world, weddings, death of a loved one, lottery wins (big ones I hope), loss of a job, divorce, financial problems, almost being hit by a car, anger, fear, joy, frustration and sometimes just the daily pressures of life, such as pressures at work or planning for a family holiday get together are just some of the modern day equivalents of that dratted bear and the body reacts in exactly the same way. Problems arise when you get no relief from that modern day bear that is chasing you and what causes you stress may not be stressful to another. Heart disease, ulcers, high blood pressure, headaches, insomnia, hair loss, difficulty controlling diabetes, depression, changes in weight are some of the signals that you are over stressed. Personally, when I am over stressed, I wake too early with nausea and sometimes vomiting, I get more headaches, my back and shoulders hurt much more, and am more prone to catching every bug that is going around (so far I've had 7 colds this year, one of which lasted 2 months). So, now that you know some of what stress can do to you, what can you do to stress?

• Be aware of what causes you to feel overwhelmed. This will help you figure out what your stress symptoms and triggers are (because every one is different) and what you may be able to do about it.
• Learn to say NO, but politely, it's only a two letter word. This one I always have trouble with. I want to help because I have compassion and a big heart (part of the reason I'm a caregiver) but sometimes enough is enough and if you take on too much you will burn out.
• Take care of yourself, if you don't, how can you care for others? This can include things as simple as reading a book with a cup of tea while listening to quiet music, going for coffee with a friend, taking time to exercise (yoga in the living room or stretching in the line at the supermarket) seeing your doctor, getting a massage, giving yourself an aromatherapy foot bath and trying to eat as healthy a diet as you can (even I sometimes resort to take-out and frozen dinners but slow cookers are a godsend)
• Delegate. Ask for help from friends, family, nurses, find a community group that has friendly visitors or a day care program (good for kids as well as adults). You don't have to do it all by yourself even though you feel like you should.
• Try to take it easy on yourself.  Also known as "don't sweat the small stuff". This is another tough one I've found for myself (I cant, should, would, must or "stinking" thinking) I have to remind myself that I'm not (completely) perfect and that whatever it is that is bugging me gets done eventually, it is good enough. 
• Keep to a schedule as best you can. About 3 years ago I was reading an article in one of my e-newsletters from  Real Age (http://www.realage.com/tips/the-best-time-to-shower-for-better-sleep ) about a scientific study in older adults how those who "stick to a routine when it comes to personal care tend to fall asleep faster and enjoy better sleep quality compared with folks who have erratic schedules" and (according to the article) "keeping on schedule with daily activities had a slightly bigger impact on improving sleep than did sticking to a routine with weekly activities -- probably because daily activities are often integrated into nightly bedtime routines." What this means is that keeping to a schedule helps you sleep better and thus keeps you healthier because sleep is when your body rests and repairs itself. Schedules also let you know what you have going and allow you to have some control over things like taking out the garbage or getting all your running around in one area of town done in one day. 

Sorry about such a long post but I wanted to set some groundwork as I'll be expanding on these ideas in greater detail. Remember that it is sometimes the small things that you can do for yourself that can make a difference for your stress and, as Lao-Tzu said in the Tao Te Ching,  "A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step".